Parents Who Love too Much Apr 7, 2019 16:56:27 GMT
Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 16:56:27 GMT
In 1970 I went to get my annual physical. During the exam the doctor said: “Did you know there is a baby in here?” I was surprised but I have always detached from my body. This goes back to my childhood. The doctor then said, “Do you want to keep the baby?” There was that word baby again. If the doctor had said, “You are pregnant,” I might have made another decision. But instead I said: “I guess so.” I tell you this because I want to explain that I was ambivalent about having a second child out of wedlock.
On October 29, I went into labor. I was alone in the hospital because Karl’s father was in jail and I think this when I really bonded with Karl for the first time.
When I got home a friend asked me to go to the bar with her. I found a babysitter and went with her. This is when I discovered the magic of alcohol to cure your loneliness.
A few weeks later I was still going out to drink and one night I came home and the babysitter was gone. Karl was alone in his crib crying. I could still see his red face and clenched fist.
After this I sent my children to stay with their grandmother while I went out to drink. But I still neglected both my children, especially Karl because he was very needy. I believe now my neglect has left him with an attachment disorder and this is part of the reason he is the way he today.
Over the next 15 years I lived with different men and continued to neglect my children. These men hustled me out of money while Karl watched. I am not sure if Karl bonded with these men, but he sure observed some of their games.
Karl went on to get an MBA in business and I was proud of him. When he could not find a job after graduation I continued to help him. This developed in a habit of taking care of him so he would not suffer. Over the years, I ended up being addicted to helping him and finding money one way or the other. I did this out of love but also because I felt guilty for neglecting him in his infancy.
Three years ago I gave Karl my rent money to get his cars out of the tow yard and ended up getting evicted. I moved in with Karl and he started getting abusive about money. He was angry when I ran out. He hit me and told me to find it somewhere. He reminded me how I managed to find money for my boyfriends while he did without.
My thinking at this point was distorted. I thought if I accepted the abuse he would work through his anger and love me. It did not work that way and I finally left.
I am now renting a room with my husband Frank and Karl is sending nasty texts. I decided to put a hold on the relationship until he changed and got used to me not giving him money every day. I was unable to end the relationship altogether and I still pay his rent so he won’t be homeless.
Recently Karl found a job taking care of my sister, so this is good time to wean him off his dependency on me. But withdrawal is harder that I thought. The pain is deeper than anything I have experienced before and I get suicidal sometimes. I am reaching out for help. I need to talk to another parent who understands. I don’t want to go there. So I am looking for some hope.
Today, I am trying to remember everything I teach others about withdrawal. One of my suggestions is to keep the toxic communications and read them when you are feeling weak and want to make contact. In the past, I have always deleted my son's texts and then after a couple of weeks I forgive him. This leads to missing him because when he is not being abusive he is really fun to talk to. This time I am keeping the toxic text and I am going read it when I miss him.
Our relationship has a lot of financial ties and I am cutting the cords as best I can. I am the guardian of my sister who has dementia and he is now taking care of her so their is some business things we might have to discuss in due time.
Years ago, I started a CoDA for Parents and it helped a lot. I may go to Al-Anon now.
I would like to know if there are any other parents out there who love their children with all their heart but cannot communicate with them. Several times daily I turn my son over to the care of God. Hopefully this will take root and I will be able to stop worrying so much.
You may ask why I worry. My son attracts a lot of negativity. Last month his house caught on fire. The month before he girlfriend died and he wanted me to console him. I did. He has been in jail 7 ties as he loses his temper in public. At the same time he is complicated. His I.Q. is 189. He has a masters degree in business. He is a writer like me. He is eloquent and interesting and will give you the shirt off his back if you ask. He takes in homeless people when he can. There is so much to love about my son that it is hard to embrace not being in his life.
I vow to stay in no contact until he changes completely and treats me with the love and respect I deserve. I have been a good parent longer than I was an abusive one, and he needs to accept that I am not perfect. Having an absent mother made him idealize what motherhood should be. Having an emotionally absent parent pushed him into the arms of the mothers of his friends who were really good at mothering. I am not. But I am not perfect and I never will be. Thanks for letting me vent.