The Awakening Mar 6, 2019 18:23:29 GMT
Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 6, 2019 18:23:29 GMT
Feel free to share or comment. My life is an open book. I am in the process of changing and I need help. S.P. 1994
Change is to the human being what the metamorphosis is to the caterpillar.
It is the inevitable cycle of life. If there is no change there is no life.
"When the student is ready the teacher appears." Joseph Campbell
As most of you know. I believe in the right kind of therapy along with the steps to deal with deeper issues that are locked in our subconscious. So every few years I go to a new therapist to resolve my issues.
My history of therapy is mixed. In 1968, my first therapist took advantage of me and seduced me. It rocked my world at the time. My next therapist was nice and helped me believe in myself. He sent me back to school where I got a MA in Education. My next therapist hinted that I was molested by my father so I left. My next therapist was a man who reminded me of my father, so naturally I fell in love and then started obsessing. I wanted him to love me the way my father never did. This is called transference. It was painful but I learned so much about my childhood that it was worth it.
Today, I am with a new therapist. I am not attracted to him sexually, which is good, and he gives me positive feedback which is great. I went to see him because for the last two years I lived with my son who abused me physically, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually. It took me so long to leave that I realized I had relapsed into my codependency.
In therapy yesterday I learned something new. I am a complicated person and I was telling my therapist, Michael, something about my spiritual point of view. He got confused. I took this to mean he did not not understand me and that triggered my anger. Then we explored that had just happened. For the moment I was angry, he became my mother who never understood me. That hurt me so much that it made me sensitive to the fact that I was so complicated and could not get her to understand me and then, hopefully, love me which she did not.
I apologized to Michael and then the subject changed to my son John. No matter how much my son and I argue, he understands me better than anyone on earth. He can read my body language. He knows what I am thinking. He understands when I project and what triggers me. He really "gets" me. I suddenly realized that this is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time letting go of the relationship. It is not just simply that he is my son. It is just nice to be understood.
My relationship with my Karl borders on emotional incest so I am always placing boundaries between us. That makes him fee rejected and he lashes out. But we are making progress and I will keep writing about there in case there is one person who can benefit.