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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 6, 2019 18:23:29 GMT
Introduction
Feel free to share or comment. My life is an open book. I am in the process of changing and I need help. S.P. 1994
Change is to the human being what the metamorphosis is to the caterpillar. It is the inevitable cycle of life. If there is no change there is no life.
"When the student is ready the teacher appears." Joseph Campbell
As most of you know. I believe in the right kind of therapy along with the steps to deal with deeper issues that are locked in our subconscious. So every few years I go to a new therapist to resolve my issues. My history of therapy is mixed. In 1968, my first therapist took advantage of me and seduced me. It rocked my world at the time. My next therapist was nice and helped me believe in myself. He sent me back to school where I got a MA in Education. My next therapist hinted that I was molested by my father so I left. My next therapist was a man who reminded me of my father, so naturally I fell in love and then started obsessing. I wanted him to love me the way my father never did. This is called transference. It was painful but I learned so much about my childhood that it was worth it. Today, I am with a new therapist. I am not attracted to him sexually, which is good, and he gives me positive feedback which is great. I went to see him because for the last two years I lived with my son who abused me physically, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually. It took me so long to leave that I realized I had relapsed into my codependency. In therapy yesterday I learned something new. I am a complicated person and I was telling my therapist, Michael, something about my spiritual point of view. He got confused. I took this to mean he did not not understand me and that triggered my anger. Then we explored that had just happened. For the moment I was angry, he became my mother who never understood me. That hurt me so much that it made me sensitive to the fact that I was so complicated and could not get her to understand me and then, hopefully, love me which she did not. I apologized to Michael and then the subject changed to my son John. No matter how much my son and I argue, he understands me better than anyone on earth. He can read my body language. He knows what I am thinking. He understands when I project and what triggers me. He really "gets" me. I suddenly realized that this is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time letting go of the relationship. It is not just simply that he is my son. It is just nice to be understood. My relationship with my Karl borders on emotional incest so I am always placing boundaries between us. That makes him fee rejected and he lashes out. But we are making progress and I will keep writing about there in case there is one person who can benefit.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 6, 2019 18:47:11 GMT
March 6, 2019
I have a list of friends and colleagues to whom I send periodic emails. I sent a copy of my journal entry yesterday and my old therapist asked me not to send anymore emails. I sent him the following text.
"Dear Alan. I thought I had moved past your rigid boundaries and had healed. But you still get to me. It would have been a lot easier for you to just click on the delete button than to hurt my feelings. So I guess I'll just have to deal with this. You are a good man but you are also an avoidant. That is what triggered the transference years ago. You are just like my father. My new therapist loves my writings so I will heal your rejection through him. Take a hard look at yourself Alan and try to see a grain of truth to my assessment."
I will now discuss this my new therapist. His email opened up the wound of him ending our therapy without explanation. I felt rejected and abandoned. My first therapist who seduced me did the same thing. After our affair he offered me money to have sex in his office and the he said he could not see me anymore.
Feeling abandoned and rejected is my core issue. It triggers my anger and sadness all the way back to my mother who did not know how to handle my complicated personality.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 10, 2019 22:48:58 GMT
March 10, 2019
I got upset because the lady at the sandwich shop did not speak English and kept saying, "I do not understand you." I asked her boss why she was waiting on people is she did not speak English. Her boss said I was a racist. Maybe this is tied in with my mother not understanding me. When she got older she could not hear but would not get a hearing aid. When I asked her about it she said, "I hear fine. You are the only one I can't hear." It hurt me but I may be to blame. I used to shout at her when she could not give me what I asked for so she may have tuned me out. I did not ask for material things. I would say things like: "Mom I am calling to vent about my sister. Could you not defend her and just listen." This was impossible for her so I got angry.
I am going to continue working on this issue because it is causing problems with my husband and I.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 10, 2019 22:50:43 GMT
March 10, 2019
I want to make it clear that I am not just a victim. I also made a lot of mistakes with my son and daughter. I read once: "What you don't get rid of you pass on."
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 11, 2019 22:25:17 GMT
Today we talked about how much my last therapist hurt me. I cried and got some anger off my chest.
Then we turned to my battle with food. It is my nemesis. I have been under weight and over weight all my life. I started a new "food plan" on March 8 which includes no eating after 8:00. That is a stressful time for me because I was molested at bed time so that is when I like to binge.
We also talked about my temper and then on the way home I lost it again. My son called and he said: "Mom, it might help if you ask God for patience as well as getting rid of your anger. With you they go hand in hand.
My son Karl has always been my nemesis as well as my muse and teacher. As my friend said once, the relationship is very complicated.
If you read this Karl, I love you.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 26, 2019 16:08:39 GMT
March 24
Nothing happens by accident . . . the following is from the LAA message board.
Some of our members want to celebrate "no contact." Others want to celebrate their time in the program in general or a anniversary for something related to recovery. Here is the place to do it.
What inspired this? I just left my therapist. I was so proud of my 8 days of not giving my son money every day and he said: "We will see." My Inner Adolescent got upset and said: "Don't you understand this is a real milestone for me." He said: "This just sounds like another chapter in the same book." I started to cry because I was looking for a pat on the back. On the way home I realized he didn't understand because he had never been in a 12-Step program. But I have this board . . . and I know you guys get it.
In LAA we celebrate all progress and we don't want perfection. There is a new thread for each one of the following designations. Share with us your celebration.
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