Our Comfort Zone Apr 28, 2016 20:28:10 GMT
Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 28, 2016 20:28:10 GMT
Staying in Our Comfort Zone
All relationships are made up of two individuals, who want to both merge and save their individuality at the same time. In the modern relationship, as spelled out in Judith Sills book, "A Fine Romance," this leads to compromise and negotiation that results from communication. (Link to A Fine Romance on Amazon website)What I remember blowing my mind when I read her book for the first time, was that the negotiations should take place before you are married. I had always thought you married because of love (chemistry) and worked everything out later. This, of course, is an old fashioned idea.
One thing that individuals try desperately to preserve is their comfort zone: the things that make them feel safe and secure.
An example . . . I met my friend Lori when she hired me to teach at her facility, Five Sisters Ranch, in Novato. We instantly liked each other and wanted to be friends. There was only one problem. I had become comfortable communicating through email (for a lot of reasons I will explain later) and she preferred talking on the phone.
Thus began a power struggle over how we would communicate. I first asked her nicely. Then I said, "this is really important to me." Eventually, things escalated and I pulled out every controlling trick I knew. (See my book, "Addiction to Love." She, in turn, stuck to her comfort zone until I decided to end the relationship. I told her we were, in my opinion, incompatible.
Fortunately for both of us we missed each other and I caved in. After a series of experiences, God communicated to me that she was right about the phone. People want to talk on the phone and I needed to be flexible.
This same power struggle happened between me and my son Karl. We are still negotiating . . .
I also saw this acted out on a television show I was watching. The program was "60 Days Inside," and it was about some people who had volunteered to go to jail for 60 days so they could report back to the warden what it was like. (Link to Wikipedia description of the show)Their goal was to improve the situation. One of the women on the program, Jane, was overwhelmed and wanted to call home each day to vent. Her husband, on the other hand, wanted her to email him as he knew their phone calls were being recorded. So they fought and things escalated. Eventually, Jane felt unloved and wanted to break up. Fortunately her mother came to visit her and she brought a video of a very sad husband who was too overwhelmed to talk on the phone. This broke the projection which was, "he does not love me any more."
May 1, 2016