Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 11, 2016 22:39:39 GMT
I spend my life repelling people while desperately wanting to be liked. 1948-20016
This excerpt is about what I have learned recently about intimacy in a relationship.
First of all, I am talking about emotional intimacy. Sexual intimacy is overrated in this culture and some others. It is more important to some than others. It is also a way to avoid emotional intimacy. I call this phallic intimacy, substituting sex for communication.
There has been a lot written about unconditional love. The books sell because it is true. But it is important to recognize that it cannot stand alone. If you are being battered by your husband you do not love him unconditionally or stay in the relationship. You get out.
For me the secret is to have as much acceptance of your partner as you can without crossing the line and loving too much or being codependent. There must also be reciprocity (give and take) in a healthy relationship.
Acceptance, reciprocity, boundaries are all needed in balance. You choose how to balance them with the input of someone in your life that has your best interest at heart and will be honest with you. People in the throes of romantic love are in denial, projecting, blind, etc. etc. Choose your favorite metaphor or description.
Once you are actually in a relationship the tendency is to start dropping the personality you put out there to attract your partner, and become a little more like your real self. Some people really have this under control. I have known men who were perfect gentleman for years until the day after the marriage ceremony. Strange but true.
So this is the general theory . . .
Examples:
With my partner I learned . . .
Trust what others want: I like to browse for the perfect movie on my cable box and my partner likes to channel surf. I use to try to force my "better" way rather then letting him do what makes him feel good. This one concept eliminates a lot of arguments about what to watch. When he is channel surfing I write, and when he is sleeping I watch what I want. Or we take turns. The kind of compromise you use is up to you as a couple.
Accept their personality. I am a strong woman. I have been called "Type A, Alpha Female, strong, controlling, organized," etc. My partner is really what they call "laid back." He is quiet and does not talk a lot. President Obama is a good example. Sometimes, I want to scan his brain because there is so much wisdom, common sense, etc. He is ten years older than me and I love history. I am always trying to get him to talk about when he was a child. He also had two loving parents, and he helps validate how much better children do when they have two parents. The expression, "still waters run deep" remind me of my partner.
If left to their own, people usually want to change their partner to match themselves or more often their projection. See Harville Hendrix for information about what he calls the "Imago," the fantasy person you have carried around in your head and are now looking for. To move things along, until they know better most people try to re-make the person they are with rather than patiently wait for a compatible person to come along.
Getting to my point, my partner is a very private person. So private that he moves through life without telling me where he is going and when he is coming back. Because of projection, my PTSD, and my wild imagination this does not work for me. I assume he is hiding something. I considered it abuse, and wanted to end the relationship. I am still thinking about this, but until I make up my mind when I accept this about him I feel fine and our relationship runs smoothly.
Compromising, or working things out, used to be done after the marriage. Now, authors like Judith Sills, in A Fine Romance, suggest that you negotiate things before marriage, or least discuss the things that you have chosen to reveal when you have the discussion. We hold so much back as a relationship unfolds because we don't want to be ourselves. We want to be liked and accepted. We put forth our persona (Greek for mask) until we stop and "let it all hang out," as they said in the sixties.
This excerpt is about what I have learned recently about intimacy in a relationship.
First of all, I am talking about emotional intimacy. Sexual intimacy is overrated in this culture and some others. It is more important to some than others. It is also a way to avoid emotional intimacy. I call this phallic intimacy, substituting sex for communication.
There has been a lot written about unconditional love. The books sell because it is true. But it is important to recognize that it cannot stand alone. If you are being battered by your husband you do not love him unconditionally or stay in the relationship. You get out.
For me the secret is to have as much acceptance of your partner as you can without crossing the line and loving too much or being codependent. There must also be reciprocity (give and take) in a healthy relationship.
Acceptance, reciprocity, boundaries are all needed in balance. You choose how to balance them with the input of someone in your life that has your best interest at heart and will be honest with you. People in the throes of romantic love are in denial, projecting, blind, etc. etc. Choose your favorite metaphor or description.
Once you are actually in a relationship the tendency is to start dropping the personality you put out there to attract your partner, and become a little more like your real self. Some people really have this under control. I have known men who were perfect gentleman for years until the day after the marriage ceremony. Strange but true.
So this is the general theory . . .
Examples:
With my partner I learned . . .
Trust what others want: I like to browse for the perfect movie on my cable box and my partner likes to channel surf. I use to try to force my "better" way rather then letting him do what makes him feel good. This one concept eliminates a lot of arguments about what to watch. When he is channel surfing I write, and when he is sleeping I watch what I want. Or we take turns. The kind of compromise you use is up to you as a couple.
Accept their personality. I am a strong woman. I have been called "Type A, Alpha Female, strong, controlling, organized," etc. My partner is really what they call "laid back." He is quiet and does not talk a lot. President Obama is a good example. Sometimes, I want to scan his brain because there is so much wisdom, common sense, etc. He is ten years older than me and I love history. I am always trying to get him to talk about when he was a child. He also had two loving parents, and he helps validate how much better children do when they have two parents. The expression, "still waters run deep" remind me of my partner.
If left to their own, people usually want to change their partner to match themselves or more often their projection. See Harville Hendrix for information about what he calls the "Imago," the fantasy person you have carried around in your head and are now looking for. To move things along, until they know better most people try to re-make the person they are with rather than patiently wait for a compatible person to come along.
Getting to my point, my partner is a very private person. So private that he moves through life without telling me where he is going and when he is coming back. Because of projection, my PTSD, and my wild imagination this does not work for me. I assume he is hiding something. I considered it abuse, and wanted to end the relationship. I am still thinking about this, but until I make up my mind when I accept this about him I feel fine and our relationship runs smoothly.
Compromising, or working things out, used to be done after the marriage. Now, authors like Judith Sills, in A Fine Romance, suggest that you negotiate things before marriage, or least discuss the things that you have chosen to reveal when you have the discussion. We hold so much back as a relationship unfolds because we don't want to be ourselves. We want to be liked and accepted. We put forth our persona (Greek for mask) until we stop and "let it all hang out," as they said in the sixties.