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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 16:56:27 GMT
In 1970 I went to get my annual physical. During the exam the doctor said: “Did you know there is a baby in here?” I was surprised but I have always detached from my body. This goes back to my childhood. The doctor then said, “Do you want to keep the baby?” There was that word baby again. If the doctor had said, “You are pregnant,” I might have made another decision. But instead I said: “I guess so.” I tell you this because I want to explain that I was ambivalent about having a second child out of wedlock. On October 29, I went into labor. I was alone in the hospital because Karl’s father was in jail and I think this when I really bonded with Karl for the first time. When I got home a friend asked me to go to the bar with her. I found a babysitter and went with her. This is when I discovered the magic of alcohol to cure your loneliness. A few weeks later I was still going out to drink and one night I came home and the babysitter was gone. Karl was alone in his crib crying. I could still see his red face and clenched fist. After this I sent my children to stay with their grandmother while I went out to drink. But I still neglected both my children, especially Karl because he was very needy. I believe now my neglect has left him with an attachment disorder and this is part of the reason he is the way he today. Over the next 15 years I lived with different men and continued to neglect my children. These men hustled me out of money while Karl watched. I am not sure if Karl bonded with these men, but he sure observed some of their games. Karl went on to get an MBA in business and I was proud of him. When he could not find a job after graduation I continued to help him. This developed in a habit of taking care of him so he would not suffer. Over the years, I ended up being addicted to helping him and finding money one way or the other. I did this out of love but also because I felt guilty for neglecting him in his infancy. Three years ago I gave Karl my rent money to get his cars out of the tow yard and ended up getting evicted. I moved in with Karl and he started getting abusive about money. He was angry when I ran out. He hit me and told me to find it somewhere. He reminded me how I managed to find money for my boyfriends while he did without. My thinking at this point was distorted. I thought if I accepted the abuse he would work through his anger and love me. It did not work that way and I finally left. I am now renting a room with my husband Frank and Karl is sending nasty texts. I decided to put a hold on the relationship until he changed and got used to me not giving him money every day. I was unable to end the relationship altogether and I still pay his rent so he won’t be homeless. Recently Karl found a job taking care of my sister, so this is good time to wean him off his dependency on me. But withdrawal is harder that I thought. The pain is deeper than anything I have experienced before and I get suicidal sometimes. I am reaching out for help. I need to talk to another parent who understands. I don’t want to go there. So I am looking for some hope. Today, I am trying to remember everything I teach others about withdrawal. One of my suggestions is to keep the toxic communications and read them when you are feeling weak and want to make contact. In the past, I have always deleted my son's texts and then after a couple of weeks I forgive him. This leads to missing him because when he is not being abusive he is really fun to talk to. This time I am keeping the toxic text and I am going read it when I miss him. Our relationship has a lot of financial ties and I am cutting the cords as best I can. I am the guardian of my sister who has dementia and he is now taking care of her so their is some business things we might have to discuss in due time. Years ago, I started a CoDA for Parents and it helped a lot. I may go to Al-Anon now. I would like to know if there are any other parents out there who love their children with all their heart but cannot communicate with them. Several times daily I turn my son over to the care of God. Hopefully this will take root and I will be able to stop worrying so much. You may ask why I worry. My son attracts a lot of negativity. Last month his house caught on fire. The month before he girlfriend died and he wanted me to console him. I did. He has been in jail 7 ties as he loses his temper in public. At the same time he is complicated. His I.Q. is 189. He has a masters degree in business. He is a writer like me. He is eloquent and interesting and will give you the shirt off his back if you ask. He takes in homeless people when he can. There is so much to love about my son that it is hard to embrace not being in his life. I vow to stay in no contact until he changes completely and treats me with the love and respect I deserve. I have been a good parent longer than I was an abusive one, and he needs to accept that I am not perfect. Having an absent mother made him idealize what motherhood should be. Having an emotionally absent parent pushed him into the arms of the mothers of his friends who were really good at mothering. I am not. But I am not perfect and I never will be. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 16:57:09 GMT
I just left my therapist. I was so proud of my 8 days of not giving my son money every day and he said: "We will see." My Inner Adolescent got upset and said: "Don't you understand this is a real milestone for me." He said: "This just sounds like another chapter in the same book." I started to cry because I was looking for a pat on the back. On the way home I realized he didn't understand because he had never been in a 12-Step program. But I have this board . . . and I know you guys get it. So I am going to celebrate with you on this board.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 16:58:04 GMT
New "no contact rule" for parents. When you are worried about your child do not call his or her best friend to see how they are doing. Sit in the worry until it subsides and your faith in God's love and care for your child kicks in again. John Bradshaw said love addiction is a thinking disorder. I am thinking distorted thoughts like he needs me or he will die. I had a dream this afternoon that my son was an infant and needed a bottle but I no more milk to give him. This is where my head is at right now. This too shall pass eventually. Codependents are addicted to the idea that not only can they fix someone [which they can't] but that they are the only one who can do it for the person they are addicted to. I keep thinking since I caused my son's original wound it is up to be to fix it or make up for it. Only then will he heal. This is a false narrative. Only my son, and God, can fix him. I am only making things worse and robbing him of some good years as a functional adult. My codependency has kept him from growing up. I keep telling myself that it is never too late to come out of denial and change. I have been making this mistake with my son for 28 years. Einstein said: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." There is a fine line between optimism and denial. I get too optimistic too quickly when he shows me his good side. Then the game begins all over again. Beware of this parents. Today I am giving my son over to God for care and wisdom. May I continue to stay strong on this journey. Please find me someone to share this journey with on this board.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 16:59:17 GMT
If no contact is to work you cannot forgive your abusive child prematurely. As soon as you do images of the good times overtake you and you want to call and reconcile.
I have always been in love with the idea of forgiveness. It feels so good to let go of the anger and resentment. If you can do this without getting in touch with your child then great. If not keep focused on why you are estranged.
My first recovery book about codependency was "Women Who Love Too Much," by Robin Norwood. The subtitle is the important part. "When you keep hoping and wishing he will change."
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 17:00:06 GMT
Anger can keep you from wanting to reconcile, but it also makes you want to make contact so you can tell the person you are in no contact with what you really think of them.
Anger means you are coming out of denial and are ready to face all the FEELINGS that you have been avoiding by trying to save this person.
A friend told me recently that you can do too much for a child but not love them to much. However, be careful. It is love that makes you want to do for your child. When I bought my son special basketball shoes that I could not afford, I did this out of love. I knew he wanted to fit in with the other boys whose parents could afford the special shoes. On one hand, it is codependent to do something you cannot afford to do, and on the other hand it helped my son get a to UC Berkeley on a basketball scholarship.
Codependent parenting is really COMPLICATED.
Today I resisted the urge to contact my son by reading his last toxic text message. Then I resisted the urge to contact him to tell him off.
When you are in withdrawal prepare to hear voices telling you to make contact just one more time for closure, another goodbye, explaining what went wrong, trying to make the person feel as bad as you do, etc. You situation will be unique but be on guard.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 17:00:43 GMT
I just got a text from my credit card company telling me that my son had tried to buy something. I canceled the card but it is very painful because he was trying to buy food. I am right back to the dream I had about my son crying for a bottle of milk and me not having the milk to give him.
As an alcoholic, when my son was a baby, I would sometimes pass out. When I woke up he had been crying. He was red in the face with little clenched fists so I knew he was hungry. After this I sent him to my mom's house when I drank but he did not do well there either. This is where all the guilt comes from. But that still does not give him the right to give me a black eye, choke me, and throw me on the floor 47 years later.
I am trying to come to terms with the idea that my son is a codependent narcissist. This may sound strange but it happens to some people who have a dual personality. On one hand they will find someone to be codependent with and at the same time they can be narcissist to people they don't like. Maybe I am making excuses. I don't know. I just know my son has two personalities and one of them is wonderful. I hate having to give up that person. I feel like Soloman wanting to cut the baby in half. Instead I am turning him over to the only mother who can help him right now. God.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 17:01:23 GMT
I have been in therapy since I was 19 when the courts sent me there for help. This was before CoDA. It took years to finally realize I had a right to tell my therapist what I needed. So today I told my new therapist I needed strokes or some kind of validation for my progress. He gave it to me.
Yesterday I got a blistering text from my son about cutting him off of my credit card. Today, I spent my time obsessing about replying to him. Not in anger but an attempt to help him come to terms with his split personality. Since I am in no contact I am writing on this board instead of to him.
Dear Son:
You said in your text that I had abandoned you. I want to point out that this is "all or nothing" thinking. We call this splitting when you are trapped in good and bad. When you split you cannot see the middle ground. During a split I am either all bad or all good. The truth is that when you were a child I abused and neglected you. Since 1982 I have been a generous benefactor emotionally, spiritually and financially. You are projecting the past on to me and you need help. I do not know what our future is but I cannot no longer accept you calling me toxic. I am not.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 17:02:03 GMT
My son's favorite game is "good cop; bad cop" around money. He uses his money to feed his lust for material goods and fixing up the house he rents and then he asks me for money for food rather than buy it for himself.
When I am trying to be sympathetic, I like to think this is his "inner child." He still wants me to be the one to feed him because I did not feed him when I was drinking. On the other hand, the reality is that he is hustling me like his father did.
I love the book, Family Secrets, by John Bradshaw. It discusses how mysterious it is that one generation can recreate the life of a parent even if that parent died when you were born. Karl is like me. He is also like his dad even he never met him. Amazing.
I feeling better today because I am proud of myself and I am learning how to see through my distorted thinking. Codependency, in my opinion, is a lot more complicated and insidious than other addictions.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 7, 2019 17:06:33 GMT
I had my first spiritual experience in 1983. I came to believe in God but I was unsure about the role of Jesus. Three years ago I had another spiritual awakening that was even more profound and I have been talking to the Holy Spirit ever since. One of the changes in me that I noticed was this profound love for children. Wherever I go they fascinate me and I just want to hold them. I chat with strangers while interacting with the child.
This is God's way of showing me what my two children missed. I was a good provider but I was not in love with them and saw them as a burden. I am sure they picked up on that. My lack of love for them when they were children haunts me.
I made contact with my son to pick up my mail. I triggered him by telling him how miserable it was living in a small room with no shower or kitchen. The bathroom is down the hall and we have to share it. He said something sarcastic and we had an argument. Reminding him of how much I have sacrificed triggers his guilt and then he displaces it with anger.
I worry that my son is creating bad karma over this.
Despite everything I love my son now the way I should have when he was a baby. I implore love addicts to get into recovery early so they can love their children instead of some unavailable person.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 11, 2019 17:23:55 GMT
I made my son an authorized user on my credit card to build up his credit. He has no impulse control so he spent too much and I canceled the card. Today he sent me a nasty text saying I had abandoned him. I was angry but I did not call.
I was going through the things he gave me as presents and it made me sad. I liked it better when I was angry.
Years ago I got this far and then relapsed when an emergency came up. But this time I see more clearly how he manipulates me. I pray I am stronger this time.
In AA they tell you one day at a time and to live in the moment. But this did not work for me. I had to comes to terms with the fact that I could never drink again. I feel I must accept the fact that my son will never change when it comes to wanting my money so he can do his own thing with his income and that this means I will never have a relationship with him again.
Today I am depressed and trying to use this time to get closer to my husband. I have fears of intimacy and my addiction to my son was causing a gulf between us.
I am also going to plan a vacation with the money I am saving. This helps a little.
Between my son and my PTSD my body is releasing stress hormones that give me headaches and make me dizzy so I am in a lot of pain. Even on good day I feel bad. I think I must be addicted to stress right now and need divine intervention. "God help me relax and let go of the stress. The abuse is over. Let my mind and body realize this. Amen."
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 12, 2019 1:39:29 GMT
I had a melt down today. I started screaming and writhing in pain. I think it because I realized that this separation might last a long time and may be even permanent because in the past whenever my son and I reconnect we go back to the same behavior. That brought up the pain of losing my daughter. My son is my only child right now. I am being torn apart with conflicting feelings. On one hand I wonder how he could hate me this much and the other part blames myself. I just know that no matter how much we love each other whenever we connect we trigger each other. I am starting to realize that you cannot fix everything. Somethings just remain broken like Humpty Dumpty. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men Couldn't put Humpty together again.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 13, 2019 0:44:16 GMT
Yesterday I had to send a text to my son about some business and it triggered so much pain. I thought what if I never see him again. I could not deal with this so I decided that I would be more hopeful that he would change in time.
Today I wanted to forward an article to him that he would be interested in and I didn't. But it made me miss him.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 15, 2019 22:47:54 GMT
Yesterday I reached out to a friend who ran a treatment center. There was no bed available. Last night I contact Jim Hall. He is an expert in love addiction and also a friends Thank you Jim.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 27, 2019 0:49:51 GMT
I broke contact to ease my pain. I sent a text and said: "You are my son and I will always love you." My son replied: "You are my mother and I will always love you." I have gone 5 weeks without giving him money. Daily pain has given way to a few good days followed by periodic anxiety attacks about how he is doing. When he finally learns I cannot help him financially anymore and will not be abused then maybe we can keep in touch. I put it in God's hands.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 27, 2019 0:51:47 GMT
My colleague Lori Glass has offered me a scholarship to her treatment center, The Glass House. When I got sober in 1982 there were no treatment centers for love addiction. I am hopeful but also nervous. Pray for me.
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